how do i find my words?
when people open up to me, i really don’t know how to respond in comforting words. and it’s not true to say they weren’t opening up for somebody to just listen. sure, they wouldn’t necessarily be seeking for solutions. but words, they would need those.
growing up, i have never really been accustomed to verbal support and open communication. be it with my parents or my siblings. as a matter of fact, some could say my father has destroyed us all with his words. and that clouded my vision of his love for us. and the only evident love language that i grew up knowing was my mother’s. all are purely by action, in simplest things like waking me up in the most gentle manner or making me breakfast even when i was old and thought of myself as burden. so, i had realized i have done the same thing over time and never really tried again how to connect through grapheme and morpheme which seemed to be the language of all.
i did have emotional phase of my own. when the world seems to be falling apart and everything felt so heavy and nothing was ever touched by even a tint of colour. but as a child with a background like mine which foundation and core could not even be contained in just a single prose, there was this thought to survive all those alone. to over come the emotional distress and all the other obstacles by myself alone. so, i have never really thought about how i silently wished somebody was there for me. there were never words i desired to hear. i wanted it all to myself, i was obsessed with pain and sorrow, i liked the dilemma and loved the thought of being drowned in it in isolation and learning how to swim away from it in isolation. so, no, i still don’t know what could i possibly say with an emotional person in front of me as i have never thought about what others could have told me years ago.
to add, i seem to have forgotten all that i felt at that time. and that was the only time i have ever felt so filled of emotions, although negative. forsooth i truly do not have a lot of emotions and thoughts in me. to the extent that i sometimes wonder if it was alright to not cry at funerals, to never be traumatized of sexual abuses and to not bat an eye at the sight of actual death, violence and theft before me. to realize that it was not that i have good moral and belief. it was just that i was so uninterested that i simply never cared and so “alright” of both sides.
so, i never knew what to say in response to vulnerable words of somebody. despite my years of reading books where emotions are best described, despite the number of emotional films i have seen and despite my unbelievable interest as to how people feel. i would love think i care of people in my life. but how would i ever tell them i do in their own language?
growing up, i have never really been accustomed to verbal support and open communication. be it with my parents or my siblings. as a matter of fact, some could say my father has destroyed us all with his words. and that clouded my vision of his love for us. and the only evident love language that i grew up knowing was my mother’s. all are purely by action, in simplest things like waking me up in the most gentle manner or making me breakfast even when i was old and thought of myself as burden. so, i had realized i have done the same thing over time and never really tried again how to connect through grapheme and morpheme which seemed to be the language of all.
i did have emotional phase of my own. when the world seems to be falling apart and everything felt so heavy and nothing was ever touched by even a tint of colour. but as a child with a background like mine which foundation and core could not even be contained in just a single prose, there was this thought to survive all those alone. to over come the emotional distress and all the other obstacles by myself alone. so, i have never really thought about how i silently wished somebody was there for me. there were never words i desired to hear. i wanted it all to myself, i was obsessed with pain and sorrow, i liked the dilemma and loved the thought of being drowned in it in isolation and learning how to swim away from it in isolation. so, no, i still don’t know what could i possibly say with an emotional person in front of me as i have never thought about what others could have told me years ago.
to add, i seem to have forgotten all that i felt at that time. and that was the only time i have ever felt so filled of emotions, although negative. forsooth i truly do not have a lot of emotions and thoughts in me. to the extent that i sometimes wonder if it was alright to not cry at funerals, to never be traumatized of sexual abuses and to not bat an eye at the sight of actual death, violence and theft before me. to realize that it was not that i have good moral and belief. it was just that i was so uninterested that i simply never cared and so “alright” of both sides.
so, i never knew what to say in response to vulnerable words of somebody. despite my years of reading books where emotions are best described, despite the number of emotional films i have seen and despite my unbelievable interest as to how people feel. i would love think i care of people in my life. but how would i ever tell them i do in their own language?