A Fuckboy’s Confession
Will you believe if I tell you that we know how to love?
People nowadays call guys like me "Fuckboy". Modern generation's term eh? They named us that for we keep on womanizing and take girl's virginity as a senseless funny thing. Yes, I'm one of those womanizers or whores or bastards you call 'fuckboy'.
Go and fucking judge the hell out of me from the very first words but I didn't write this letter to be judged so if you're just going to judge me, you better back out and leave this behind.
I was fourteen when I first tried sex and since then, I had lots of sexual affair. Flirting, dirty words, making out and having nights together, I’m into all of those. With different women, from different bars, in different cities. It’s been ten years and must I say this is a hopeless case? That it’s been in my system enough for me to be incapable of changing. And I never will. I just can’t.
Or so I thought.
June 11. My Mom and I landed on Philippines from USA. My stepsister named Brianna was here and the three of us would be here for good. At that very same day, my sister introduced me to her long time best friends’ brothers who eventually became my best friends as well.
But the one that got my attention was Bree's girl best friend, Yujin. Three years younger than me who was loud enough to break anyone's eardrum. She was the last one who was introduced to me since she was playing a violin that moment. And I was literally mesmerized while watching her playing the violin with a hypnotizing soft music. Her closed eyes and angelic face makes the classical music she plays more magical.
But then, that demure lady effect was suddenly fade when she talked to me. Seriously, I'd rather watch her playing a soft music with her violin than listen to her high-pitched voice and senseless blabbering. However, as time passes by, I suddenly loved her jolly side.
The way I love her.
I was close with Bree as well as with Hell and Gerald but my guards are down when it comes to Yujin. My walls are wide open. I am Me with her. I actually find myself laughing my heart out with her. I felt no lust over her but ironically, her presence felt more than just enough. I could be with her and nothing would ever happen. She has been my comfort zone, my diary, my home.
Yujin knows every single thing I do and every girl I date. Yeah, apparently, I didn't stop dating other women despite of the fact that I knew who I really love. I always look at Yujin the way I wouldn’t look at the others. She was my charm and diamond. The most treasured part of me. A fragile spot that I would dare not to move. She was that vase on a table and I was the child so mesmerized of it and in order to keep that vase in one piece, I would be contented of just looking at it. Taking care of it by changing the flowers and keeping the water clean but would never ever touch it. The worst nightmare I could ever imagine is having that vase broken. Which is the only thing I know I am capable of. So, womanizing and dating other women became my way of moving on and getting her out of my system.
It felt so hard, still. I couldn’t play with the fire the way I used to. I thought of avoiding her. Would it change my feelings? Well, I can’t. If this is being selfish talking, I don’t know. That bullshit would torture me big time.
I was talking to her. Telling her stuffs about the girls I had in my past. She was beside me, listening. Only to her I am comftable of these stuffs. But when I turned to her, a tear fell from her eyes. I was astonished. She lowered her head but I just wouldn’t let her keep the reason why.
“Why the hell are you so numb, Wesley Flames?! Why you can't feel my feelings towards you?! Why do you have to be this so much oblivious?! You quickly sense the lust of women but you never noticed the love I've been keeping for almost four years! You jerk!!!”
I could still remember her exact lines. She was crying. She was pained.
“What do you mean?” I almost stutter. Can't stop the fucking heartbeats!
I ran out of words. My mind wasn’t functioning very well. No word was appropriate to state my emotions. It was not the first confession I received. I handled the past’s very well but not her’s. She’s a different case. And I wouldn’t dare to line her with the rest. Yujin is a special case. She herself is special.
Her tears says she was in excruciating pain. Her eyes were telling me the story. Her words are a seal. An unbreakable one.
“I love you, Lee.. I love you to the point that I am hurt whenever you're telling me the dates you've been. I love you enough to have the desire to torture the annoying bitches who were trying to flirt with you. I love you so much to the point that I've been a masochist and keep this tiring manipulative feelings for four freaking years that you never ever ever noticed. I so love you to feel this torture from the inside and being crushed in an instance. And..” She heaved a sigh. “I love you enough to hate myself for falling for a fuckboy who I know would never ever love me back.”
I remained silent. I couldn’t even wipe her tears away. It suddenly felt so hard to breathe. It kills me watching her cry. Because of me, at most. And I cannot do anything about that. The worst nightmare I have ever imagined. I was just pathetically stiffened. It was me who hurt her. I wanted to hug her to lessen the pain but I was afraid of the thought that I might’ve hurt her more. That day changed me.
And that day is the very same reason why I am standing here today, watching her who was effortlessly stunning in her white wedding gown probably wearing her best smile ever. The smile that I have fallen for. The smile that tells everyone she's in love. She's deeply madly and crazily in love to her groom who was waiting for her. She was in tears because of joy. Tears that I always thought I would never be able to give her.
Hah! I can’t breathe. My heart hurts. Seeing her walk to her groom with only her back facing me. Ironic, isn’t it? They were in tears because of exploding happiness while I was in tears because of endless pain. I smiled bitterly and turned my back to leave.
I wonder if what could’ve happened instead if I didn’t thought of ‘she was not my girlfriend or my wife yet but she already cries for me’ that day. Either way, I do not deserve her. She deserves someone better. Because breaking a vase is the only thing Wesley Flames is capable of. And I am hoping, just hoping that she found the right guy. The guy who’s capable of making that precious vase shinier than it already is.
The happy sun met my teary eyes as I stepped out of the church. Smile, Wesley. You chose this path. Die of pain.
Will you believe if I tell you that we know how to love?
Well.. I'm telling you, we do. We are just too coward and afraid to take a risk.
----
A one-shot I have written when I was 14. Already years ago, ey? So, yeah. Not edited. Bear with aaaaall the flaws.