seems like i’m putting it all on off. it’s been quiet & peaceful. yet everything felt crowded & chaotic to me. i walked miles today; i was setting my mind into blank, null, void. in the past, i’d often ride transpo only to ride another after embarking as i had not specified a destination to look forward to. as it was today, i simply loved watching the scenery change and smell the constant distinguished perfume in air. yep, air smells different from place to place. i’m losing track. i don’t have path to follow just as this text. last night, i had my eyes fixated on a screen replaying
haikyuu’s first episode. one who had knew its plot must knew for certain not a single frame of that 24 minute video can ever be tear-jerker. yet my jaws were forcing me into a weird expression. i felt twisted all within. i could not understand. as there was nothing to understand. perhaps my body just felt the need of tears. but i don’t remember anything that i could be needing tears for. not in the past two years. as i have stated, it’s been quiet & peaceful. yet it felt chaotic & weird & just messed up. no, this is not a repetition of that one set of 365 24hrs where emotional need & breaking mental health were denied by me, myself, of all ppl. at this point, i have no idea why. no, it cannot be the paper works. nor the idea of pursuing a job despite the stable financial status. this is one of those annoying incomprehensible moments. i loathe drama, i always do. i was always harsher than anyone else to myself every time it emerges. what more to a ball of raw emotions i have no idea of the origin, of reason. my body feels heavy. i walked miles today. my goal was a friend’s house. just a goal, i did not intend to visit. so, i stayed in front of it for so long after my arrival, holding a dozen of white flying balloons. it just so happens it was the farthest house i know i could reach by walk. ah yeah, i purchased a dozen of white flying balloons. i don’t know why. ah, mou, i’m a kid in this aspect. it’s an act of wasting money i don’t even own. i get to release it one by one as i began returning. i’d sometimes look up, staring as the balloon fly away, unreachable & could no longer be chased by any hand in gray sky. i love gray sky. it’s cold. no, i love it without a tint of my emo phase or of my emotional state. it’s just cold & there’s no sun. and i don’t like getting sweat. it rained today. i don’t like raining either, contrary to most. i don’t like its sound as it falls on a roof. it’s noisy. and i like defeaning silence. i don’t like it outside as well if i don’t mean to bathe under it. it just sets sand & mud in my shoes. i had an umbrella in my bag. it was maroon, contradicting my over-all get up that screams gloom & creep through plain, simple black. i’m exhausted & lethargic. i listened to old music last night. i kept listening to old music last night til drowsiness came. it’s weird but one of the songs that always had me in lss was pilipinas kong mahal. and then, other songs that are plain nostalgic as i have always heard them from my mother’s lips, not from a CD track that introduces the original singer. most would think of lady in red or leader of the band when i termed the music i listened to “old songs“ but no, it started from kanlungan and went down to mamang sorbetero, lolo jose and my mom’s most played taglay ko ang musika. ah, i stopped by a mall earlier. i was going around the clothes area. my first minutes were in babies section. like, maybe i could go look for what would be suitable for this baby i’m looking forward to meet next week. then, my feet dragged me to ladies’. no, i’m not a fan of hanging and off-shoulders, but i knew somebody who is. there was a mustard one. it looked cute. maybe i could buy this for her to her next occasion. next thing,l i knew, i was at men’s. a box of hair wax reminded me of a guy who’s been eagerly annoying me for it because i sort of promised him i’d give him one as a birthday gift. it was a joke i did not expect he’d remember. it was a joke because it was being sold at a cheap price at the time. a 7x7 rubiks cube was actually what i wanted to give him. but then, my eyes shifted to shirts. ah, white ones. minimalism prints. penshoppe’s. quality never fails. now that i think of it, the only time he looked exceptionally nice was when he was wearing a white shirt. i started thinking of some of these. the sky was dark. lights—yellow, orange, red—were Illuminating the street. i bought a large mango float and stayed a little bit away from the terminal. i was waiting until my favourite seat in the car becomes available. it was cold. right, december & christmas. i should have not disrobed my loose, black & big jacket. a boy was beside me. he asked me for penny. i had a coin, i gave it to him and he left. breeze & cold mango float, coughs. coughing. i should change my facemask. i love mango float. drinks are better in either mango or strawberry. i hope today don’t end. tomorrow’s gonna be languid. i hope today energizes me. i hope i could still unwind without this pandemic. ah, i hope no one i know see me. small talks & hi and hellos, nope. i held my black cap lower, avoiding to meet anybody’s eye but not avoiding anybody by taking out my phone or something. i did not use my phone today. i’d enjoy looking at people moving around & talking with each other while my mind’s occupied by lightest and most nonsensical words. heavy thoughts, no, drop it all & stare at nothingness. there was a long line in bdo. unusually long. i didn’t see this earlier since i walked. oh, yep, i decided to take the muddy road instead of the high-way. there was this tricycle driver that kept insisting to let me ride when he saw me walking earlier. he knows me and i know him—sort of. he’s the one who’d constantly utter commentaries about how i always wore black, whether it was the girly black skirts paired with some black mesh or it was the dull loose black pajama matched with a black, overly big & loose hoodie & momentarily talk to me when i get to be his passenger. i was just relieved he saw me in a brgy i knew earlier. i was forced to cross the street & continue walking onto the muddy way just so he could no longer insist. no, i decided it would be a walking day. i could not accept a ride. it’s a long walk to get my mind off of things i don’t even know crowding my mind. it’s a long walk to vacant my mind & tire me out only physically. it’s a long walk to see the scenes change around but not really look at anything...
